WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
