Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
