I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
