If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You're earring is so big in my mouth
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
