Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
