Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
