I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just had sex on a roof
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
