I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She told me I should be a condom model.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
