i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
