Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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