Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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