The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
