Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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