She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
