He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
