my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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