Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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