The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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