hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
