he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
