I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
