You made me cry and you don't even care
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
