Can i not drive my cunt home
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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