my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize
