I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
