he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
