Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
