Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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