Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
