that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
