a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
