Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
