after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
