the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
