he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
