I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
