a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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