she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
