Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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