I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
