Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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