i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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