I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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