I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
