I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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