You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was born a porn star she said
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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