I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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