The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
