i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
