Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Farmville is her only friend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
