I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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