New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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