you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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