I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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