was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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