What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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