I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She bit a glass in half.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
